There has to be a country song in there somewhere

Among the most odd stories I have ever read is this one. It could have been a weird/sad enough to have your caulk gun robbery stopped by a flying plastic trash can with a subsequent retreat to your mother's mobile home where you currently live. But as fate would have it, it gets weirder... he was robbing the gas station to buy crack to smoke with the transgendered prostitute he picked up for the night. Where is a good country song writer when you need one?