Aversion

I totally love my job. Teaching is immediate gratification. Research is intellectually stimulating. Writing, on the other hand is neither. It allows you to keep your job, but on the tenure time line, you are really only evaluated on your research and writing after at least a couple of years into the job. So what do normal assistant professors do for those first couple of summers and the free time between classes during the semester? They relax. I cannot.
I want to be mobile in case California and the CSU system completely collapse into bankruptcy. Thus, I have to write. And by write, I mean a lot of writing. I have at least three paper projects on my list of things to complete this summer.
The first one is due this Friday.
I came in early today to start the writing process. I lost 2 hours immediately to inefficiency. By the time I started to get really focused, I had sort of an anxiety attack. I left the office and went to Target to buy some Twizzlers and cookies. When I came back, I was able to restart with other work that I have to get done this week. Today's writing project was displaced on my agenda by preparing for teaching.
I fear this aversion to writing. I fear that I will never be able to overcome this aversion. Mostly I fear not being able to teach because I failed to write.