Guilt

I have an infatuation with guilt. It isn't love, but it is more than a simple friendship- it's definitely not a 'love affair.' With my crazy last couple of weeks, I must have been setting myself up for some guilt-lovin'. A quick recap with the action and corresponding guilt-
1. Action: We moved into a very nice house in a new neighborhood.
- Guilt: We moved away from my sister and her family. I miss them already and feel like I abandoned them.
2. Action: We moved into a house that is twice the size of our old house.
- Guilt: Having twice the house is nice, but feels indulgent. I feel like a kid in a mansion. I have always thought of myself as frugal and minimalist, but this is, like I noted before, indulgent.
3. Action: We moved into a house that has a view of the mountains (Cleveland National Forest).
- Guilt: None. I love being able to see the mountains.
4. Action: We moved into a new congregation for our church.
- Guilt: I feel bad about not being able to adjust to the old congregation. I am an odd person (I know what you are thinking, but it's true - a bowtie wearing professor is the most normal person in the world, but you are probably wrong) and I pride myself on being able to see many perspectives, but I had a hard time fitting in there. I have come to realize that they are all hard working, gospel loving children of God, that I just didn't understand. I feel bad for not meeting them on their level. We also left behind some good people there, who I wish that we could have brought with us.
5. Action: We moved into a house that we repossessed.
- Guilt: This makes our second repo house where some family made a couple of bad choices and ended up losing some part of their life. I am haunted that we now own two repossessed houses simply because of our timing. See more on tomorrow's post.
6. Action: I started eating white flour and sugar again because, 'hey, why not? there is sure a lot of leftover Easter candy that I don't want my kids to eat.'
- Guilt: My body feels like crap and I want more food. Even as I type at 11:00pm, I am eating a smothered chicken enchildada, no wait, two of them.
7. The most important (in)Action: I failed to write my conference paper.
- Guilt: I demand a lot of my students in terms of meeting deadlines. When I was a consultant, I did really well at meeting deadlines with time to spare. I planned this semester knowing that I needed to finish four papers. One is done, another is almost done, one is done in my head (the conference paper), and another needs some major help (I have been working on this one for years now). Tonight I sent an email to the other panelists on my conference panel telling them that the paper would not be ready. I missed my deadline. I failed. Hopefully this thing happens occasionally, and my miss will be but a blip on the radar of a few generally uninterested academics. BUT to me this is devastating. Bring on the guilt

Guilt is a moral imperative for us bald, fat white guys who have written history to our advantage and grown fortunes on the backs of females and minorities. I just wish that my white male genes could take a little break and give up guilt for lent or something.