I totally love my job. Teaching is immediate gratification. Research is intellectually stimulating. Writing, on the other hand is neither. It allows you to keep your job, but on the tenure time line, you are really only evaluated on your research and writing after at least a couple of years into the job. So what do normal assistant professors do for those first couple of summers and the free time between classes during the semester? They relax. I cannot.
I want to be mobile in case California and the CSU system completely collapse into bankruptcy. Thus, I have to write. And by write, I mean a lot of writing. I have at least three paper projects on my list of things to complete this summer.
The first one is due this Friday.
I came in early today to start the writing process. I lost 2 hours immediately to inefficiency. By the time I started to get really focused, I had sort of an anxiety attack. I left the office and went to Target to buy some Twizzlers and cookies. When I came back, I was able to restart with other work that I have to get done this week. Today's writing project was displaced on my agenda by preparing for teaching.
I fear this aversion to writing. I fear that I will never be able to overcome this aversion. Mostly I fear not being able to teach because I failed to write.
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Investing today for tenure later...
5 comments:
That is the very reason I could never be a college professor.
@#$% that Facebook. Sucking away your time. Oh, and Ben's Bargains. And the Drudge Report. And and and....
Did you get any Swedish fish?
I hope the twizzlers and cookies helped a little and continue to do so. Politics in teaching really sucks. I hope you get past your fear/block and just power through. :)
Justin, I can SO relate to this...although your need to produce eloquent papers is certainly greater than mine. I just spent this whole week having a semi-panic attack about writing a paper. I do fairly well on most papers I write, but for some reason the anxiety and stress builds up again with each new paper. I am fine once I get started. But, it can take several days before I can bring myself to actually start. I even found myself out weeding in the yard one day this week, in an effort to delay writing the paper. That's desperate! Good luck.
Earlene
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